Author selfie ~ me and my wedding ring.

How I Found My Freedom To Love, As A Commitment Phobic Man

There is a path for those of us who dread losing ourselves with another

David Jurasek
4 min readJan 13, 2021


Who am I to speak to this? Just one dude who has struggled with commitment — for decades — imploding many a great relationship.

Two characteristics have made it feel impossible to stick around with any one person — no matter how wonderful and perfect a match they may have been.

One is that I have a high need for love.

Two is an equally high need for freedom.

The tension between freedom and love pulled me in opposite directions, and ended a handful of truly worthy relationships.

My first real insight about what commitment is came a while back from Gay and Katie Hendricks, pioneers of embodied couples work.

Commitment is not what I say I will do,

but what I am doing already.”

Here’s how I understand this in my own words today…

Image by David Jurasek, created on Canva. See Instagram account for more.

I realized a while back in my marriage that I did not actually have “commitment issues”.

In fact, I was committed to lots of things (which are rather embarrassing to admit) like:

  • Arguing with and invalidating my wife as a way to show I was “right” and affirm my own identity, separate from hers.
  • Watching late night TV and being on my phone to avoid my uncomfortable emotions and being intimate with hers.
  • Nurturing fantasies of an ideal partner who met all of my needs, without me having to voice them, whenever I wanted, and without asking for anything in return. (Read as my “Spousal Entitlement Syndrome”)

So, here’s how I have come to understand and love, yes love commitment these days.

Image by David Jurasek, created on Canva. See Instagram account for more.



David Jurasek

Imperfect man wrestling with the paradox of being powerful and loving. Find me and our dojo at: