Author selfie ~ me and my wedding ring.

How I Found My Freedom To Love, As A Commitment Phobic Man

There is a path for those of us who dread losing ourselves with another

David Jurasek
4 min readJan 13, 2021

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Who am I to speak to this? Just one dude who has struggled with commitment — for decades — imploding many a great relationship.

Two characteristics have made it feel impossible to stick around with any one person — no matter how wonderful and perfect a match they may have been.

One is that I have a high need for love.

Two is an equally high need for freedom.

The tension between freedom and love pulled me in opposite directions, and ended a handful of truly worthy relationships.

My first real insight about what commitment is came a while back from Gay and Katie Hendricks, pioneers of embodied couples work.

Commitment is not what I say I will do,

but what I am doing already.”

Here’s how I understand this in my own words today…

Image by David Jurasek, created on Canva. See Instagram account for more.

I realized a while back in my marriage that I did not actually have “commitment issues”.

In fact, I was committed to lots of things (which are rather embarrassing to admit) like:

  • Arguing with and invalidating my wife as a way to show I was “right” and affirm my own identity, separate from hers.
  • Watching late night TV and being on my phone to avoid my uncomfortable emotions and being intimate with hers.
  • Nurturing fantasies of an ideal partner who met all of my needs, without me having to voice them, whenever I wanted, and without asking for anything in return. (Read as my “Spousal Entitlement Syndrome”)

So, here’s how I have come to understand and love, yes love commitment these days.

Image by David Jurasek, created on Canva. See Instagram account for more.

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David Jurasek

Imperfect man wrestling with the paradox of being powerful and loving. Find me and our dojo at: www.powerfulandloving.com