Is Your Man is Questioning Being With You?

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Here’s what I humbly suggest you could do, having been “that guy”

It is NOT your responsibility to save him,

to wait for him,

or to take care of him.

Relationships are a two way street. One-way-love is you doing your best to be a good loving person, but it can never be enough to make it be what it is not: a mutually healthy and satisfying relationship.

Wait! Who am I to be telling you all this…

Picture of myself (author) at crossroads deciding whether to stay or go…

1. own your own ambivalence.

One. Put more onus on him to convince you to stay.

If you are always saying YES, this makes him want to say NO. Just how reverse psychology works. It pushes you to stand at polar ends. One chases the other who then feels like pulling away. Try reversing this dynamic — even a tiny bit . Take more time for yourself. Express more of that part of you that wants space and time away from him. Show him if you have any reservations, doubts, or pulls elsewhere. This makes it easier and more compelling for him to come towards you. It may also ease him into considering his choice to stay or go with more spaciousness. If this feels at all inauthentic or manipulative, please ignore this point. I don’t mean that you do this in a way that is dishonest or as a way to try and control him.

“You can’t love someone and control them at the same time.” — Terry Crews

Instead, I want you to honour any buried desires you already have inside to flee or wander to look elsewhere and bring them out into the open.

Two. Let go (even a little) of judging him.

Chances are, if he is conscientious enough (I would suggest you don’t stay with someone who is NOT) he already feels shame and guilt about being not fully in with you. Shame and guilt tend to keep men stuck and or reactive by making really bad decisions, which neither of you want.

Three. Normalize the feeling of uncertainty and being torn.

Talk about how you at times feel that way — or have in previous relationships. It does not mean that one should leave. What it does mean is that we are torn and that there is something missing: a longing itching to be met.

2. Make a mutual time bound commitment

Despite the ambivalence your partner (and likely you also feel), you state your commitment to love him fully for an agreed upon time. And you ask him to do the same, to put aside questioning the relationship over the long term and just be here fully with you, now.

Won’t it feel much better — if he doesn’t step up over time and you decide to end things — that you were clear way ahead of time about what you wanted and what the relationship needed for you to have stayed?

Practically, you may or may not need to explain to your partner WHY you want him to do this with you. If you do, my favourite way of explaining it goes something like this…

“True and lasting love is a lot like a garden. If we don’t invest the time to take care of it properly, the soil dries and the plants wither with neglect.

Lately, there are these weeds — like insecurity and wanting to be somewhere else — that have been taking over. I can’t tend this garden alone. I will only keep tending this garden if you join me in doing so.”

Now, if he is not willing to do that, it also exposes the truth, that he is more out than in. So, you can feel good about loving him and leaving the situation yourself to create an actual relationship with someone else. Someone who will dedicate themselves to tending this garden with you. That is the least of what you deserve.

3. PLAN together to do W.I.T. (whatever-it-takes)

I bet you have MORE QUESTIONS, right?

“What do I do when the time runs out?”

At the end of the agreed upon time frame, you decide to re-evaluate, being courageous and completely honest about this experiment.

“Where can I send him for more help?”

I get this response ALL THE TIME. First, I recommend you start by talking to him. What kind of help is he open to? What does support look like for him. The old adage, You can lead a horse to water, but… applies.

Pic by author — sign up here:

…we actually hav FIVE choices — not 2 — before us…

…as we stand on the crossroads of making the best decision possible. It also covers the struggles I personally had over whether to “Stay or Go?” and offers both heaping tablespoons of compassion and tough love for him to swallow.

Last words… ​

Being more powerful and loving yourself will increase the chances of him growing his balls and taking a potent step in the right direction. That is up to him, however. Not you or I.



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David Jurasek

David Jurasek


Imperfect man wrestling with the paradox of being powerful and loving. Find me and our dojo at: